New York Rangers: Alain Vigneault’s Secret Call
A report from late last night states that New York Rangers head coach Alain Vigneault called the NHL league offices on Saturday night, begging for a change on the scoring of one of the Rangers goals from a recent game.
*Disclaimer- This is a satirical piece, this did not actually happen.
*The New York Rangers just made a comeback. After trailing 4-1 at one point against the Columbus Blue Jackets on Saturday night, the team stormed back and scored four unanswered goals to win the game 5-4. Much to the chagrin of one Alain Vigneault, Adam Clendening, or as AV likes to call him, “not-Girardi” scored the first two goals of the third period, including one on the power play.
Of course, Vigneault wants to win, but he feels the need to protect his friend Dan Girardi. It is believed that Girardi saved his life on a few different occasions, which neither of them have ever acknowledged to a public audience. Because of this, Vigneault, indebted to his pal, continues to put him in the lineup every night whether it’s the best thing for the team or not.
With that said, when Girardi’s competition for a starting spot on the defense–Clendening–tallied those two goals, AV needed to find a way to keep the Clendening supporters voices down.
Vigneault: Scott, I told you, you cannot keep putting not-Girardi on the power play. By him creating solid puck movement, you are encouraging the media and the fans to question me about G.
Scott Arniel: But Alain, we need to try to win hockey games, even at the expense of our favorite player’s playing times. It’s all about the team, remember?
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Vigneault: I don’t know what you are talking about, Scott. There’s a reason you are no longer a head coach in this league. Playing everybody minutes based on how they are playing, now that’s just crazy talk!
*Arniel leaves the room, Vigneault goes and shuts the door to his office and begins to pace around the room, talking to himself.
Vigneault: What do I do, what do I do? Think, AV, think! Ooh, I know! The reason everybody thinks not-Girardi is better suited for the lineup than Girardi is because he creates more offense. So, what if I went straight to that nice little goal total of his and chopped it down! That’s perfect!
*Vigneault searches in his phone contacts for the number of the NHL’s Situation Room in Toronto, When he finally found it, he didn’t even hesitate to call.
Mike Murphy, senior vice-president of NHL hockey operations: NHL offices, who’s this speaking?
Vigneault: Hi there, Mike, it’s Vigneault, Alain Vigneault. Listen, this goes against everything I believe in, but I need a huge favor.
Murphy: Um, what’s that?
Vigneault: I need you guys to give credit to somebody else on the goals that not-Girard….er…Adam Clendening scored tonight. I don’t want anybody, especially the other coaches to be hounding me about starting him over Girardi.
Murphy: Alain, you tried this last year with Tanner Glass, numerous times and it never worked. What makes you think that we will do this now?
Vigneault: PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU!!!! I CAN’T LET ANYBODY QUESTION G! I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH TO LET THAT HAPPEN!
Murphy: Hmm, you did say please… let me see what I can do.
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*When Murphy put Vigneault on hold, he smiled from cheek to cheek, he put his hands together and wiggled his fingers and let out a Monty Burns like “excellent,” waiting for Murphy to get back on the line. Vigneault was distressed, however, by the NHL’s on hold music being Nickleback. Vigneault questioned if listening to it was worth his loyalty to Girardi, but he continued to power through the painful noise that some people deem to be music.
Murphy: Hey Alain, I have Kris King here with me on speaker phone, can you hear me?
Vigneault: Yes I can! How are you, Kris?
King: I’m great, but it sounds like you;re nuts!
Vigneault: I get that more often than you would think, actually.
King: Alright, so Mike here explained the situation to me and this is what we can do. We cannot by any means take away both goals, it would be too obvious and then there would be fines all around for all of us once they figure out how it all went down. If on one of those goals, there is a player who looks like they could’ve possibly touched the puck, we will give them the goal. How does that sound?
Vigneault: Ugh, fine.
*Murphy and King took about 10 minutes to look at the goals and after their review, they had some good news for Vigneault.
Murphy: Alright AV, after video review, it looks like we can give Michael Grabner credit for the game-tying one. He is standing about five feet in front of Clendening, and we can say Grabner got a piece of it with his stick. Not only is that pretty believable, but it would also be his third goal of the game. If we gave him the hat trick, most people will just be happy for him and they won’t even question the scoring change.
King: I agree. It’s so crazy, it might just work.
Vigneault: (In his Mr. Burns voice, again) Excellent! Thank you guys, hopefully, Marc Staal gets back soon so we can completely fend off not-Girardi once and for all.
Murphy: Who’s not-Gi…
Vigneault: Got to go, bye.
Next: Dan Boyle is Meaner Than Tanner Glass
*Vigneault hangs up the phone and begins to jump up and down in his office. He then proceeds to open his phone and text Girardi “don’t worry, everything is going to be okay, my dear friend,”